Family Foundations May/June 2012

The May/June 2012 issue of Family Foundations is already hitting mailboxes. In this issue we look at how some NFP couples have faced the heartbreak of their adult children making choices that go against the values in which they have been raised. Read how these couples have relied on their faith for strength during the tough days and how they have succeeded in maintaining loving relationships in the family.

Great background information on the HHS mandate regarding contraception is provided, along with an inspiring set of talking points that will equip you to stand up, speak out, and be heard!

Also included:

• A tender look at miscarriage
• How to train your child’s moral brain
• A spotlight on the family programs available from the organization Family Honor
• The story of how one couple grew into a full understanding of NFP

Several articles invite readers to go online and share their own thoughts, experiences and advice for others who may be navigating similar situations right now. Those articles are shared below in separate posts, and we invite you to join the conversation!

Family Foundations is unique in spotlighting issues of concern and providing relevant information to couples practicing NFP. Most readers are grateful to have the connection with other NFP users that the magazine brings.

Six times a year Family Foundations is received by all those who are members of CCL. If you do not currently receive our magazine, consider becoming a CCL member to get this helpful resource in your home. A gift membership is also a great way to introduce others to the NFP lifestyle!

Learn more and review sample issues here. For gift memberships, contact the CCL office at 800-745-8252.

How to respond to adult children in troubling situations

by Marian Friedrichs

Brianna King Daily attended her first CCL convention in 1998, when she was 9-years-old. “My family drove all the way from [Hixson, Tenn.] to Colorado,” she recalled. “My dad was very moved by Father Frank Pavone and all the strong, pro-family Catholics he met and ended up converting to Catholicism the next year. My parents eventually became a promoter couple with CCL and were quite active for several years.”

Brianna’s mother, Frances King, homeschooled Brianna and her younger sister. They prayed the Rosary regularly.

“I really wanted to pass the faith to my kids,” Frances said.

And she did, according to Brianna. “Because I was learning about my Catholic faith from a young age, I realized how natural family planning fit into the bigger picture,” Brianna said. “I learned why the Church approved of it for family planning purposes and why they do not approve of artificial forms of family planning. As I got older, I wanted to read writings of the popes and saints.”

In her teen years, Brianna received a chastity ring from her father, Kenneth, and she promised him she would remain celibate until marriage.

Still, Brianna went through some difficult spiritual times once she went away to college.

Read more, and then comment:

What advice would you share with parents struggling with the choices or actions of their older children?

by Marian Friedrichs

Rosemarie Keller* of New York was a CCL member for about a decade until her husband’s adultery brought their marriage to an end.

Today, Rosemarie faces the complicated challenge of dealing with her ex-husband and former in-laws as she raises her three girls. A devout homeschooling mother, Rosemarie carefully teaches her daughters the truths of the faith. When they visit their father and paternal grandparents, however, the girls hear their mother’s teachings constantly undermined.

Read more, then comment:

How have you explained the choices of someone close to you to your children?

* Name has been changed and town withheld

by Holly Rutchik

Jonathan and Kristin Smies expected their third pregnancy to be a smooth sail. Been there, done that.

But the Teaching Couple from Green Bay, Wisc., was devastated by a miscarriage.

Kristin, a 29-year-old stay-at-home mother to two daughters, 4 and 2, learned they were expecting while the couple was geographically separated due to Jonathan’s work and military obligations. Kristin and their girls were staying with family in Florida while Jonathan, an attorney, worked in Wisconsin. Unable to celebrate the pregnancy with Jonathan, 34, in  person, Kristin baked cupcakes topped with baby candies for a dessert at her parents’ home. Her family squealed with excitement upon learning the news.

“Unfortunately,” Kristin said, “we were not able to relish the good news for long.”

Read more, and then comment:

What was the best advice or thoughtful gift you received following a miscarriage?

“Whoever loves his life loses it, whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.”

What could Christ possibly mean when he tells us that we must first lose our life in order to gain it, and if we truly want to be his disciple, then we must also be prepared to be hated by this world? Don’t we all just want to be loved? Don’t we Catholics simply want to exclaim to the world: You like us, you really like us! Not so much.

Rarely has it been easy to be Catholic in this country. From the early colonies, English settlers were very hostile to those first Catholics joining them in the new world. Catholics were expected to keep to themselves, and were victims of outright hate and prejudice. Then came the age of the media, and we were treated to some positive images of priests and sisters – the Bing Crosby and Ingred Bergman variety who were idealized, but still positive. Soon after, we witnessed a Catholic Bishop, Archbishop Fulton Sheen, have a hit TV show. But then it happened: a Catholic would become president. President Kennedy was elected – and something changed.

It started with a speech that Kennedy gave to a group of Evangelical Christians in Texas, where he basically promised that his faith would not impact the way he led the country. Some believe this speech was a step forward; others believe it was a betrayal of his Faith and the ushering in of a new era/epiphany for Catholics: all we have to do is chuck our faith out the window if we wanted to be popular. Oh, we could still retain the cultural identification as Catholic, we just didn’t have to live any of it or publicly profess it. After all, don’t we want the world to like us, to really like us? Not so much.

Then, just off the heels of this so-called epiphany came what history refers to as the sexual revolution, which was anything but revolutionary. Many Catholics bought into the lie that we could contracept our way into a new and freeing existence with all the pleasure and none of the responsibility. Suddenly and tragically, children became an illness or disease to avoid, rather than a gift to behold. And when Pope Paul VI put out Humanae Vitae – the Church’s teaching on birth control — well, there we had it – black and white – just how out of touch the Church was – RIGHT?

Sadly – even many priests and sisters bought into this new ‘freedom’ mentality which did anything but lead to freedom. So in this effort to be liked – really liked by the world, what happened to the Church? I’ll tell you what happened: Catholics bolted from their faith – 65% of Catholics quit going to Church weekly, many stopped completely. We became cafeteria Catholics, choosing what teachings we liked — or that didn’t challenge our sins.

So what happened to the Church? Our convents emptied out, our seminaries became ghost towns, and the divorce rate increased exponentially. Surely the world would like us now – RIGHT?! And just about this time some clergy decided that this would be a good time to hand our detractors lots of ammunition (not to mention lots of money) and break their vows of celibacy, harming the most innocent souls entrusted to their care. Okay it was a small percentage of the clergy a – really small percent – but it was enough to do considerable damage to our children, to our trust – to the body of Christ. And while many Catholics were abandoning their faith it became common place to hear priests and religious publicly trashing the Pope or Church teachings .

But for those faithful Catholics – Clergy and lay alike – who decided to stick it out, the ones devoted to their faith – the attacks have been relentless. The more faithful we are, the more they hate us, they really hate us – and we should be happy about this. Really, Father Mike – happy? Truth be told, we shouldn’t want the world to like us or approve of us. We don’t need its stamp of approval because our Savior tells us time and time again that His Kingdom is not of this world. The entertainment industry will continue to portray all clergy and religious as idiots or sexual deviants. The media will continue to portray faithful Catholics as ignorant, intolerant, and hypocritical. Secular culture will continue to ridicule the Church as an outdated institution. And now, even our government is getting into the action, by stripping away our rights. SO WHAT!?

Our collective attitude should be: BRING IT! History shows that whenever we are persecuted is when we grow. When we take the moral high ground is when we prevail. When we are forced to defend our beliefs, faithful Catholics have risen time and again to the occasion. If this sounds defiant – remember the words of Christ, who tells us that TRUTH is TRUTH, and that if the world hates us, know that it hated him first. The Beatitudes honor those who are persecuted and curse those who are liked by the world. The Catholic who doesn’t see their faith as something worth dying for is the Catholic who doesn’t see their faith worth living for.

So to Hollywood – bring it on! To the liberal, intolerant, main-steam media – bring it! Government officials – hit us with your best shot! The Church came before you, we’ll be here long after you. We have outlasted every kingdom, empire, trend and sin that has tried to destroy us. We have survived every foolish self-inflicted wound with which we have struck ourselves. And why? We hold fast to the promise of Jesus who tells us the gates of hell will never prevail against us.

Holy Week is almost here, and we believe the tragedy of Good Friday will pave the way to the glory of Easter Sunday. Truth will always be truth, So BRING IT! By the grace of God, we’re ready…

Why is the Catholic Church fine with providing coverage for Viagra for men, but not contraceptives for women? Doesn’t this prove they are just a bunch of men who disrespect women?

Most of the time when you hear this argument on radio talk shows or in letters to the editor, the caller or writer doesn’t actually care to know what the Church’s reasoning is; they just want to use this truth as a way to bash the Church.

But the Church always has reasons for their teachings, and in this case the truth is that the primary purpose of Viagra is to fix a health problem so that a husband can engage in sexual intimacy with his wife. It helps facilitate normal marital relations. The primary purpose of contraception is to cause a health problem, such that the reproductive system dysfunctions and prevents a woman from contracting the newly defined disease of pregnancy. The Church’s goal is to support and protect marital relations as God intended them to be.

The real irony of the complaints that label the Church’s non-support of birth control as anti-woman is that hormone-emitting methods of birth control (e.g., injectables like Depo-Provera and non-injectables like the Pill, patch, etc.) often cause a decrease in a woman’s libido! Seriously, how pro-woman is that?!

I have a life-threatening reason to not get pregnant. Why in the world would the Church be against helping me and my husband with birth control? I guess they don’t really care if my life is threatened by an unplanned pregnancy.

When properly practiced, NFP works. There are women in situations similar to yours who continue to use NFP to prevent a pregnancy. In some cases, they also use a fertility monitor to help confirm their days of fertility and infertility. Some cycles may require more abstinence than usual, but when such sacrifices are made within the context of love, a couple’s overall intimacy is deepened and their relationship is strengthened.

Even in serious situations the Church does not approve of unnatural methods of birth control because they completely alter the meaning of the acts of marital love. The Church is about protecting and safeguarding sexual love, and cannot approve of contracepted intercourse which conveys a message that falls far short of the love God calls us to in marriage.

This is a series of short talking points that we have provided to our volunteers as information they can use in speaking out in various ways against the ObamaCare mandate on contraception. Feel free to use, build on, or share.

I use hormones for irregular cycles, not birth control. What is wrong with that?

Morally it is not wrong to use hormonal medications to “treat” cycle irregularities, however, if you are married it is problematic because of the abortifacient potential of these drugs. We say “treat” because in the vast majority of cases, such hormones do not solve the underlying problems that cause irregular cycles; instead, they often mask the true origin of the irregularity. They do produce a regular chemical bleed each month, which helps alleviate the problematic symptoms, but the problem has not been treated and solved. It will return once the artificial hormones are removed.

However, when properly practiced, NFP reveals externally what is occurring within a woman’s reproductive system internally. Thus, a woman can often unveil the underlying problem(s) herself simply by observing, recording, and interpreting her fertility signs. In addition, the excellent book Fertility, Cycles & Nutrition provides up-to-date self-help strategies and is included as part of the basic CCL NFP class material.

Admittedly, while there are a growing number of physicians who aim to treat women’s fertility issues without dependence on artificial hormones, there is a great need for more. Women deserve better approaches than what are commonly provided today. Women deserve physicians whose goal is to restore their reproductive system to health, rather than just have it appear so through the use of chemicals.

How is NFP any different from contraception? They both have the same goal.

NFP is knowledge; it helps to read the language of the sexual powers and does not interfere with a couple’s fertility. Spouses do not change their bodies; rather, they change their behavior and choose to refrain from sexual intimacy during the fertile days when postponing a pregnancy. NFP does not control fertility; it enables a couple to control their behavior and thus grow in the virtue of self-control.

The reason NFP is moral and contraception is not – when they both have the same ends – can be difficult to see. But only with NFP is a husband and wife able to give a complete self-gift to the other. Every time they have relations, they give themselves completely as they are at that moment according to God’s design. And, it’s not immoral to just not have sex; there is nothing immoral about avoiding sex for various reasons (i.e., illness, fatigue, need to postpone pregnancy). Controlling our natural desires and sacrificing them for the sake of our spouse or marriage is a noble act. But having sex and thwarting the natural design of sex to serve your own purpose is completely different.

The difference between using contraception and using the knowledge NFP provides to intelligently plan a family is sometimes likened to losing weight (a good end) through dieting versus bulimia.  In the first case a person who wants to lose weight intelligently decides what to eat and how much to eat and deliberately avoids over-indulging.  In the latter case, they does nothing to control their eating habits and instead vomits after every meal to avoid the consequences of eating.

In one sense, the critics have a point: how can we expect to be taken seriously if we can’t even convince our own members? We have to take the message to the secular world — and let’s face it, our fellow Catholics — and we have to do it on their terms, not ours.

What do I mean by this?

I mean that we can list side effects till we’re blue in the face, but every medication has side effects, and hardly anyone experiences them. If they do, they consider the benefit to outweigh the side effect. Trying to argue people out of contraception on that basis is doomed to fail.

I mean that every time we talk about the Pill causing abortions, our audience remembers the scientists and doctors who insist it doesn’t. Right or wrong, if it comes to our word versus the AMA, we’re going to lose.

I mean that when we invoke the word “sin” independent of reason, people tune us out as repressive and “out of touch.” (You know that one gets applied to us all the time.)

Please understand: I’m not saying these things aren’t important. They are. They’re a vital part of our classes and our total apostolate. But like it or not, “the Church says so” isn’t enough for modern audiences. They want to know why the Church says so. And although Church teaching is based on moral reasons, those reasons are far from arbitrary–they rest on very practical foundations. We will draw more people in, and they will be more open to seeing the connection between practical and moral lessons, if we promote NFP using terms that will resonate with modern, secular audiences. Terms like these:

1. Green. Remember the study done in northern Canada, where trace amounts of estrogen, comparable to what we ingest through the water supply, were introduced to  pristine lakes…and the male fish started showing signs of female reproductive development? What about the simple logic of the idea that if chemical-free is good for food and lawn care, it’s also good for the body?

2. Healthy living. Pop culture is all about finding simple lifestyle changes to improve quality of life. Surely it makes sense to get in tune with the body, to understand how it works and live in harmony with it instead of trying to suppress its natural function.

3. Respect for women. Women in the post-sexual revolution era have bought into the idea that turning off their fertility empowers them. But at the same time, they rage about the state of a woman’s world today: impossible standards of beauty, anorexia, being ogled instead of appreciated for their abilities. They write books on the topic. In reality, the universality of birth control has changed the cultural mindset, tying a woman’s intrinsic worth to her sexual availability. It has aided in turning women into sex objects, in prisons built of Botox and plastic surgery. How is this empowering to women?

4. Respect for women, round 2: For that matter, the universality of birth control has led to women not understanding how their bodies work–the complex interplay of hormones and the related physical changes. For all the focus on sex in our culture, people are appallingly ignorant of the process. Having given over understanding our bodies in favor of suppressing a normal, healthy function of the body, fertility is treated as a disease in need of “preventive care.”

These points can be made without reference to theology, appealing instead to reason. Theology follows naturally, leading to a holistic view of human sexuality — and that is as it should be. From time immemorial, religious teachings have rested on an foundation of reason – even Old Testament prohibitions like avoiding pork or circumcision had a very practical, earth-bound rationale. Appealing to reason is not a capitulation, but a way to reach people who wouldn’t otherwise listen at all. Only when we make our case in this way will we have a chance of influencing a culture that is so convinced of the need for “free” contraceptives.

Kathleen Basi is a stay-at-home mom, freelance writer, flute and voice teacher, liturgical composer, choir director, CCL teacher, scrapbooker, sometime-chef and budding disability rights activist. She puts her juggling skills on display at www.kathleenbasi.com.